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Mariners Fans Forced To Rip Their Own Hearts Out

With the Major League Baseball season on hold, millions in the Seattle area have been forced to raise their own expectations before shattering them. For years, Opening Day for the Mariners meant the start of another season of questionable moves and wasted primes. Now, as uncertainty reigns, fans are wondering when their beloved team will be back to ruin their lives again.

“I had to get a friend to punch me in the dick just to feel normal,” said longtime Mariners fan Matt Johnson. “It’s weird not having a crushing defeat or a slow slide into irrelevancy by mid-June to look forward to.” Johnson has also found that his liver is surprisingly healthy, and hopes that he can get back to destroying it soon.

In a statement, the Mariners thanked their fans for their loyalty, and promised that they “look forward to the day that we can resume making you doubt that there really is a God.” In the meantime, they suggested that fans try “breaking up with a significant other, killing a pet, or watching Sonics highlights” to stay despondent before the start of the next season.

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