Bruins Owner Jeremy Jacobs Lays Off Staff To Avoid Not Being An Asshole

Citing a need to “continue being a giant, gaping asshole,” Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs has laid off all full-time staff at the TD Garden. Jacobs said in a statement that “above all, I want to assure Bruins and NHL fans that I am still a total dick.”

Jacobs, who is worth $4 billion, has been a lone hold-out as most major sports owners have pledged to support stadium staff. He initially made a tepid announcement that he would help his staff throughout the suspension of the NHL season, but has also remained firmly committed to weaseling out of coughing up any money that he doesn’t need to.

“I’ve been a douchebag all my life,” said Jacobs, “and as the world adjusts to a new normal I think that it’s important to remain true to my values.” Earlier in the week, he visited an intensive care unit at Mass General Hospital to visit Bruins fans stricken with the virus and disconnect them from their ventilators. He has also announced plans to kick every puppy that he sees, saying that “we can’t let this terrible disease affect how we treat the most vulnerable.”

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