WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has authorized the CDC to use every resource available to it in the fight to shift blame for the COVID-19 epidemic onto former president Barack Obama. Speaking at a White House press briefing earlier today, Trump stated that he believes that “if everybody comes together and works really hard, we can find a way to pin this all on the black guy.”
As his administration’s response to the pandemic has come under fire, the President has worked diligently to evade responsibility. He has taken to calling COVID-19 the “Chinese Virus” to shift some blame onto the Chinese, but according to sources within the administration, he is hoping that a link to his predecessor can be established as well.
“I think Obama was a big fan of Chinese food,” Trump reportedly said, “maybe we can look into that. And his daughter is at Harvard; I hear that there are a lot of orientals over there.”
Also in the President’s crosshairs is presidential rival and former vice president Joe Biden. With the disease spreading rapidly among Americans and much-needed medical supplies running low, Trump reassured the country that “Sleepy Joe Biden will be held accountable for whatever he did to start this terrible virus, along with Obama.”
Trump’s Republican colleagues in Congress have joined the President’s fight to avoid culpability for the haphazard response to the COVID-19 crisis. In a statement, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that “Senate Republicans stand behind the President in his valiant effort to blame any Democrat possible. We will be providing funding for any conspiracy theorists who can come up with even a semi-plausible link.”
CDC officials have also been ordered to work with their counterparts in Ukraine as they try to determine how all of this is Obama and Biden’s fault.