National Politics

Surgeon General Redefines “Elderly” To “Older Than Trump”

Trying to allay his boss’ fears about COVID-19, Surgeon General Jerome Adams has announced that the “elderly” label does not apply to 73-year-old President Donald Trump. “From now on,” he said in a statement, “elderly people are defined as people older than President Trump, who is healthier than any human alive right now or ever.”

The President, who is known to prefer fast food and consume as many as 12 cans of Diet Coke day, is, according to the Surgeon General, “in no way elderly or even all that old.” The 45-year-old anesthesiologist then favorably compared Mr. Trump’s health to his own, saying that the overweight 73-year-old who refuses to exercise “could run circles around everybody here.”

While speculation has swirled around the President’s health during an epidemic that has disproportionately affected people in his age group, sources around the President have assured him and the public that he is in no danger. One anonymous administration official notes that “President Trump has the strongest immune system known to man,” which they attributed to “his overwhelming manliness and patriotism.”

Medical staff around the President have routinely praised the septuagenarian for his willingness to avoid all health precautions and recommendations for men his age, including eating better, sleeping more, and avoiding contact with those who may be sick with COVID-19. Instead, they cite his avoidance of Chinese food and aversion to “depleting his battery” through undue exertion as signs that the President is keeping himself healthy.

In a separate statement, the Surgeon General also followed Trump’s orders to define “elderly” in women as “above 35.”

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