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National

Plague Doctors: Leech, Myrrh Reserves Dangerously Low

Plague doctors are sounding the alarm about shortages in critical supplies. As they work to fight the deadly miasma affecting thousands across the globe, plague doctors are increasingly worried that they will not have the resources necessarily to fend off the night air.

“Leeches, myrrh, and laudanum are all in high demand as we balance patients’ humors,” explained Dr. Pestopfer Schnabel von Rom. He cautioned that “the noxious vapors of the marshes cannot be controlled without these valuable substances.”

The unhealthy fog wafting from the Orient has caused a mighty pestilence to descend upon Europe and much of the New World. While alchemists work around the sundial to develop elixirs for this disease, plague doctors use everything at their disposal to keep patients’ humors balanced. Increasingly, they are worried that they may have to switch to less effective solutions like newts and junipers berries.

“The disease seems to be due to an overabundance of blood and yellow bile,” observed Dr. Schnabel. He is one of many plague doctors now pushing for more bloodletting and poultices of chamomile, but worries that there won’t be enough to treat everyone. “Doctors may be forced into some terrible choices, like substituting sage for arsenic in their tinctures,” he warned.

Dr. Schnabel also urged the public to stay away from rotting vegetation and burn any suspected witches in the area. “If we follow some common-sense guidelines and expel all Jews and Gypsies, we should be able to control the spread of this disease.”

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Local

Student On Ventilator: Mediocre Spring Break Sex “Totally Worth It”

A local college student who contracted COVID-19 while on spring break in Florida says that the 7 minutes of mediocre sex he had was “totally worth” being on the verge of death. Jackson Harper, 21, spent five days at Panama City Beach, where he and his friends drank, smoked marijuana, and spread the infectious disease to over 80 other people despite warnings from public health officials.

“Me and the boys got lit and snagged some fine females,” Harper said via text from his bed in a specially isolated intensive care unit. “I got talking with the hottest one and before I knew it she was all aboard the J-train to pound town!” While Harper spent most of the sweaty, awkward encounter desperately trying to maintain an erection, he contends that it was enjoyable for him and that he “rocked her.”

Harper dismissed claims that the girl he had sex with wasn’t actually that hot by noting her “nice round ass” and “juicy titties.” Still, one anonymous source reported that she was “kind of fat” and that “J-Dawg had had way too much tequila” when he disappeared into his hotel room with her. “I don’t know, maybe she rode it like a champ,” the source said, “but honestly, I think they were both just way too sloppy to do much.”

Soon after Harper returned home, he started feeling the symptoms of COVID-19, including a persistent cough and shortness of breath. Since he has asthma, Harper was brought to the hospital, where his condition rapidly spiraled downwards. He also infected three of his relatives, including his 85-year-old grandmother. She has also been hospitalized, but has not been able to be put on a ventilator due to a critical shortage.

Still, Harper has no regrets about the trip that could ultimately cost him and his grandmother their lives. “I was riding that shit doggy style,” he says, “even though I was fucking wasted. It was awesome.”

Categories
Politics

Downturn Forces Trump To Downsize Family

Citing the financial strain of the recent economic collapse, President Donald Trump said that he has been forced to lay off two of his children. Son Eric and daughter Tiffany were both informed yesterday of the “family restructuring,” which also saw Trump’s youngest son Barron demoted to nephew.

“Eric and Tiffany have both been wonderful children for decades,” Trump said in a statement, “but in times like these we don’t need a weirder version of Don Jr. or a fatter version of Ivanka. I wish them the best in whatever family they decide to join.” The statement also noted that Trump “looks forward to seeing Barron in a different role, which he may be better suited to.”

The layoffs don’t come as a complete shock to insiders, who have wondered for months about Trump’s dwindling paternal love reserves. “Eric and Tiffany have long passed the point where they can be claimed as dependents, even with Eric’s obvious mental deficiencies,” observed political analyst James Woodcock, “so Trumps sees no real reason to keep them around.” Other have pointed out Trump’s disappointment that Tiffany’s breasts never grew to match those of her mother, Marla Maples.

While no clear suitors for the two displaced Trump children have come forward, they are confident that they have plenty of options. A spokesman for Eric said that he is “looking forward to continuing his life of luxury with another deranged despot for a Daddy, preferably one that isn’t black.”

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Local

Prepper Wonders When He Can Start Shooting People

A local prepper is now wondering whether it’s OK to start shooting people yet. Dave Bagwell, who has been preparing for a “doomsday scenario” for over 15 years, has been following the developments of the COVID-19 epidemic with great interest. He is hoping that he can start using the 20,000 rounds of ammunition he has stockpiled in his bunker “very soon.”

“I’ve got a few guns, mostly for personal protection,” Bagwell said, motioning to the 39 guns that he has also stored in the bunker, “but I haven’t had to use them so far.” While society is not yet on the brink of collapse, he contends that “it’s just a matter of time before the shit hits the fan.” A nuclear war would have been his preference, he explained, “but an epidemic is pretty sweet, too.”

Being able to shoot a person without consequences is one of Bagwell’s lifelong dreams. Ten years ago, he outfitted his suburban home with an array of cameras and security equipment in the hopes that he might get to shoot an intruder. He has also carried a concealed handgun for over 20 years, but hasn’t been able to use it. “A black guy got really angry at Red Robin one time, and I thought that it might be my chance,” he remembered, “but he left before things could get out of hand.”

Bagwell spends most afternoons practicing his marksmanship on several human-shaped targets in his backyard. In the evening, he pores over the latest news about the epidemic, looking for signs that he can starting shooting people.

“It’s gotten crazy around some grocery stores, but I don’t think that they’ll be the tipping point,” he believes. “Once the government starts clamping down on free movement, then there will be riots. I’ll definitely be able to start shooting then. I really hope so, anyway.”

Categories
National

Casey Anthony Finds New Popularity Amid Coronavirus Shutdowns

Parents balancing working from home and watching their out-of-school children are reviewing the case of Casey Anthony with renewed interest. Anthony, who was acquitted in 2011 of the murder of her 2-year-old daughter Caylee, has been living in relative obscurity in Florida since the conclusion of her trial. Now, she is once again one of the top subjects of Google searches in the US.

According to Google Trends, Anthony features in a wide variety of searches that have spiked in popularity since schools were shut down across the country. Queries like “how did Casey Anthony get away with it?” and “Casey Anthony defense team phone number” are seeing a surge in traffic. “How to make chloroform,” one of the searches Anthony famously made leading up to the disappearance of her daughter, has also been trending.

“I think it’s just a really interesting case,” explained Jennifer Belham, a mother of three who has been working from home for a week and half. “When I first read about it, I thought she was such an evil person. But like any story there’s a lot of nuance.” She said that she has read four books about the case in the week and a half that she has been working from home, and has developed a further appreciation for “what Casey went through.” When asked whether her interest in the case stems from experiences with her own kids, she replied, “Kids? What kids? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Categories
Sports

Timberwolves Star Buddy Framm Tests Positive For Coronavirus

Another basketball star has tested positive for COVID-19 as the virus sweeps through the NBA. Buddy Framm, who plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves, was tested along with his teammates and received news of the positive result last night. His agent and medical team released a statement saying that Framm is resting comfortably with no symptoms, and has isolated himself since being tested.

The NBA season has been on hold since Utah Jazz center Rudy Gobert tested positive for the coronavirus on March 11th. Since then, multiple NBA players have also tested positive, and others have self-quarantined.

A multi-sport star, Framm has also played football, baseball, soccer, and volleyball. This has led to concerns about him potentially spreading the virus to other leagues, especially given his penchant for drooling on equipment. Of particular concern is Timberwolves coach Arthur Chaney, who is in his 80s. A team spokesman said that Chaney tested negative and has been isolating himself to avoid becoming infected.

Framm’s test was somewhat surprising given that he is a golden retriever, not a human. However, veterinarian Dr. Jay Brazeau, who is treating Framm, said in the statement that “while most associate the disease with humans, there’s nothing in the medical literature to suggest that a dog can’t contract COVID-19.”

Categories
National

Supermarkets See Pangolin Sales Plummet

Once a beloved springtime delicacy, pangolin sales are slumping as the animal is linked to the COVID-19 epidemic. Supermarkets around the country have seen a rapid decline in demand for pangolin meat, leading some to cancel future orders completely.

“We’ve been extremely busy over the past two weeks, but no one is buying any pangolin,” reported Raoul Martinez, who manages a La Fiesta supermarket in San Antonio. “It used to be one of our most popular meats, but now everyone’s just buying chicken and beef.” He went on to say that if sales don’t pick back up, “we might have to do away with the live pangolin tank next to the butcher case.”

There are still some holdouts who continue to eat pangolin despite heightened fears over the epidemic. Irma Thurmond, an 81-year-old retiree in Boca Raton, Florida, said that her mother used to prepare pangolin “the old-fashioned way, boiled in 7-Up” every Thursday night when she grew up. She is keeping up with that tradition, undeterred by the potential hazards.

Pangolin distributor Shauna Wasthof confirmed Thursday that her company has seen sales dwindle, but thinks that the drop will be short-lived. “Every American has fond memories of their first crunch into a pangolin paw, or their first slurp of pangolin tail soup,” she argued. “Once this blows over, I’m confident that we’ll see a rebound in sales.”

For now, though, Wasthof’s company is shifting focus towards the lucrative slug market. “Slug sales have surged as people turn to comfort foods,” she said, pointing to popular dishes such as slugloaf and slug and kidney pie. She and her company are betting big on Americans’ desire for some degree of normality in an ever-changing world. “When the world gets you down, a pangolin parfait or slug salami sandwich is what you need to get back up again.”

Categories
International

God Plans More Sequels After Success Of SARS 2

With the resounding success of the CoV-SARS-2 virus, God has announced plans to produce more sequels to past diseases. The virus, which was released late in 2019, has found widespread popularity around the world, resonating especially with older audiences. Now, God hopes that He can strike gold with other dormant franchises.

This isn’t the first successful revival for God. “One of my biggest early hits was the bubonic plague, which spawned a number of highly lucrative sequels,” he said in an interview at his office in Heaven. “I started seeing diminishing returns after the last few plagues, though, and I think I ran it into the ground.” A string of original diseases followed, including chart-toppers cholera, syphilis, and measles. But after the eradication of smallpox and the underwhelming debuts of MERS and Zika, God again decided to try working within an existing franchise.

The original SARS came out in 2002 to worldwide fanfare, but failed to make a splash outside the Chinese market. With over 11,000 deaths at time of press, SARS 2 has already far outstripped its predecessor, and expectations are high in the coming months. Industry analysts are expecting big returns in the African market, where perennial favorites malaria and HIV continue to dominate.

“I tried a few Ebola reboots [in Africa],” God explained, “but they never quite took hold the way I wanted them to.” He’s also looking at other emerging markets, including India and South America, and hoping that the disappointing early returns from Southeast Asia will rebound. Overall, God said that He’s been pleased with his latest release, and is looking forward to some “exciting projects” that will come out in 2021.

Categories
National

Native Americans Push To Make Europe Travel Ban Retroactive

Saying that “countless American lives could be saved,” Native American groups are lobbying President Trump to extend the ban on travel from Europe retroactively to 1491. In a statement put out by an alliance of tribes, they explain that “foreigners have been bringing disease to America for centuries, and it’s time we put an end to it.”

Their proposal comes amid the COVID-19 epidemic that has claimed the lives of hundreds of Americans. Navajo spokesman John Begay notes that European travelers have also been responsible for outbreaks of smallpox, bubonic plague, chickenpox, cholera, the common cold, diphtheria, influenza, malaria, measles, scarlet fever, sexually transmitted diseases, typhoid, typhus, tuberculosis, and pertussis that have killed millions of Native Americans over the years. Begay continued by saying that “Europeans, even those born in America, pose a unique threat to health and safety. We must act swiftly and decisively to save lives.”

While a full plan is still being finalized, Begay said at a press conference yesterday that it would involve not only banning travel from Europe, but also deporting “anyone whose ancestors came from Europe.” Begay pointed to the decimation of American populations in the years after first contact with Europeans, as well as “how annoying white people are in general” to justify the moves.

When asked if the proposed plan would help combat the spread of COVID-19, Begay replied, “huh? Oh yeah, that one. To be honest, they all sound the same after a while. Probably. Can’t hurt to be safe.”

Categories
National Politics

Trump Urges CDC To Step Up Efforts To Blame Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has authorized the CDC to use every resource available to it in the fight to shift blame for the COVID-19 epidemic onto former president Barack Obama. Speaking at a White House press briefing earlier today, Trump stated that he believes that “if everybody comes together and works really hard, we can find a way to pin this all on the black guy.”

As his administration’s response to the pandemic has come under fire, the President has worked diligently to evade responsibility. He has taken to calling COVID-19 the “Chinese Virus” to shift some blame onto the Chinese, but according to sources within the administration, he is hoping that a link to his predecessor can be established as well.

“I think Obama was a big fan of Chinese food,” Trump reportedly said, “maybe we can look into that. And his daughter is at Harvard; I hear that there are a lot of orientals over there.”

Also in the President’s crosshairs is presidential rival and former vice president Joe Biden. With the disease spreading rapidly among Americans and much-needed medical supplies running low, Trump reassured the country that “Sleepy Joe Biden will be held accountable for whatever he did to start this terrible virus, along with Obama.”

Trump’s Republican colleagues in Congress have joined the President’s fight to avoid culpability for the haphazard response to the COVID-19 crisis. In a statement, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that “Senate Republicans stand behind the President in his valiant effort to blame any Democrat possible. We will be providing funding for any conspiracy theorists who can come up with even a semi-plausible link.”

CDC officials have also been ordered to work with their counterparts in Ukraine as they try to determine how all of this is Obama and Biden’s fault.