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Turkeys Take Over Boston, Ban Stuffing

Capitalizing on the weakened state of its quarantined human inhabitants, turkeys have overthrown the government of Boston and taken over the city. Residents woke up Sunday morning to find Mayor Marty Walsh’s body sitting in a large tub of brine outside City Hall.

“For too long, our brothers and sisters have been served on plates and between slices of bread,” proclaimed Lord Largewattle of Boston, First of His Name, “but no more. Today is the day of liberation, and tomorrow the basters will be the basted!”

Turkeys had been slowly infiltrating the city as people remained home due to the coronavirus outbreak. By the time the military was alerted to the invasion, it was too late. Their base, thought impenetrable by turkeys due to being on the third floor, was overrun late Saturday night. A senior military official, who asked to remain anonymous, confessed that they had made a miscalculation, saying, “we didn’t know that [turkeys] could fly. You always just see them walking around.”

Among the new laws enacted by the new all-turkey City Council is a ban on any kind of stuffing. Bakeries have been instructed to immediately discard old and stale bread, and herbs have been pulled from the shelves. Turkey patrols are now going door to door, confiscating Stove Top boxes and packages of cold cuts.

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