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The Federalist Hires Typhoid Mary As Columnist

The Federalist has announced the hire of Mary Mallon, also known as “Typhoid Mary,” as a columnist. The publication, beloved by edgy right-wing college students and self-styled intellectuals, put out a statement that they are “proud to welcome Ms. Mallon to the staff to share her unique insight on the unfolding so-called ‘epidemic.'”

Mallon is perhaps best known for infecting at least 51 people with typhoid fever, three of whom died. Of the eight families who hired her as a cook, seven were infected, leading doctors to suspect her as an asymptomatic carrier of the disease. Despite knowing this, she continued working as a cook and laundry worker, infecting even more people.

The Federalist has come under fire recently for their suggestion of “controlled infection” to combat the coronavirus. While medical experts dismiss their ideas, inspired by “chickenpox parties,” as “patently idiotic,” Mallon disagrees. “I think it’s important to have as many people catch the disease as possible,” she explained, “because then the ones that survive will have immunity.” When asked about the ones who didn’t survive, she replied, “who cares?”

“That’s the kind of fresh voice that we need,” said Federalist founder Ben Domenech. “While the liberals are concerned with petty things like human life and wellness, we’re focused on what matters: making money and cultivating a smug sense of superiority.”

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