Student On Ventilator: Mediocre Spring Break Sex “Totally Worth It”

A local college student who contracted COVID-19 while on spring break in Florida says that the 7 minutes of mediocre sex he had was “totally worth” being on the verge of death. Jackson Harper, 21, spent five days at Panama City Beach, where he and his friends drank, smoked marijuana, and spread the infectious disease to over 80 other people despite warnings from public health officials.

“Me and the boys got lit and snagged some fine females,” Harper said via text from his bed in a specially isolated intensive care unit. “I got talking with the hottest one and before I knew it she was all aboard the J-train to pound town!” While Harper spent most of the sweaty, awkward encounter desperately trying to maintain an erection, he contends that it was enjoyable for him and that he “rocked her.”

Harper dismissed claims that the girl he had sex with wasn’t actually that hot by noting her “nice round ass” and “juicy titties.” Still, one anonymous source reported that she was “kind of fat” and that “J-Dawg had had way too much tequila” when he disappeared into his hotel room with her. “I don’t know, maybe she rode it like a champ,” the source said, “but honestly, I think they were both just way too sloppy to do much.”

Soon after Harper returned home, he started feeling the symptoms of COVID-19, including a persistent cough and shortness of breath. Since he has asthma, Harper was brought to the hospital, where his condition rapidly spiraled downwards. He also infected three of his relatives, including his 85-year-old grandmother. She has also been hospitalized, but has not been able to be put on a ventilator due to a critical shortage.

Still, Harper has no regrets about the trip that could ultimately cost him and his grandmother their lives. “I was riding that shit doggy style,” he says, “even though I was fucking wasted. It was awesome.”

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