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Mariners Fans Forced To Rip Their Own Hearts Out

With the Major League Baseball season on hold, millions in the Seattle area have been forced to raise their own expectations before shattering them. For years, Opening Day for the Mariners meant the start of another season of questionable moves and wasted primes. Now, as uncertainty reigns, fans are wondering when their beloved team will be back to ruin their lives again.

“I had to get a friend to punch me in the dick just to feel normal,” said longtime Mariners fan Matt Johnson. “It’s weird not having a crushing defeat or a slow slide into irrelevancy by mid-June to look forward to.” Johnson has also found that his liver is surprisingly healthy, and hopes that he can get back to destroying it soon.

In a statement, the Mariners thanked their fans for their loyalty, and promised that they “look forward to the day that we can resume making you doubt that there really is a God.” In the meantime, they suggested that fans try “breaking up with a significant other, killing a pet, or watching Sonics highlights” to stay despondent before the start of the next season.

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Sports

Bruins Owner Jeremy Jacobs Lays Off Staff To Avoid Not Being An Asshole

Citing a need to “continue being a giant, gaping asshole,” Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs has laid off all full-time staff at the TD Garden. Jacobs said in a statement that “above all, I want to assure Bruins and NHL fans that I am still a total dick.”

Jacobs, who is worth $4 billion, has been a lone hold-out as most major sports owners have pledged to support stadium staff. He initially made a tepid announcement that he would help his staff throughout the suspension of the NHL season, but has also remained firmly committed to weaseling out of coughing up any money that he doesn’t need to.

“I’ve been a douchebag all my life,” said Jacobs, “and as the world adjusts to a new normal I think that it’s important to remain true to my values.” Earlier in the week, he visited an intensive care unit at Mass General Hospital to visit Bruins fans stricken with the virus and disconnect them from their ventilators. He has also announced plans to kick every puppy that he sees, saying that “we can’t let this terrible disease affect how we treat the most vulnerable.”

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Sports

Timberwolves Star Buddy Framm Tests Positive For Coronavirus

Another basketball star has tested positive for COVID-19 as the virus sweeps through the NBA. Buddy Framm, who plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves, was tested along with his teammates and received news of the positive result last night. His agent and medical team released a statement saying that Framm is resting comfortably with no symptoms, and has isolated himself since being tested.

The NBA season has been on hold since Utah Jazz center Rudy Gobert tested positive for the coronavirus on March 11th. Since then, multiple NBA players have also tested positive, and others have self-quarantined.

A multi-sport star, Framm has also played football, baseball, soccer, and volleyball. This has led to concerns about him potentially spreading the virus to other leagues, especially given his penchant for drooling on equipment. Of particular concern is Timberwolves coach Arthur Chaney, who is in his 80s. A team spokesman said that Chaney tested negative and has been isolating himself to avoid becoming infected.

Framm’s test was somewhat surprising given that he is a golden retriever, not a human. However, veterinarian Dr. Jay Brazeau, who is treating Framm, said in the statement that “while most associate the disease with humans, there’s nothing in the medical literature to suggest that a dog can’t contract COVID-19.”