Citing the financial strain of the recent economic collapse, President Donald Trump said that he has been forced to lay off two of his children. Son Eric and daughter Tiffany were both informed yesterday of the “family restructuring,” which also saw Trump’s youngest son Barron demoted to nephew.
“Eric and Tiffany have both been wonderful children for decades,” Trump said in a statement, “but in times like these we don’t need a weirder version of Don Jr. or a fatter version of Ivanka. I wish them the best in whatever family they decide to join.” The statement also noted that Trump “looks forward to seeing Barron in a different role, which he may be better suited to.”
The layoffs don’t come as a complete shock to insiders, who have wondered for months about Trump’s dwindling paternal love reserves. “Eric and Tiffany have long passed the point where they can be claimed as dependents, even with Eric’s obvious mental deficiencies,” observed political analyst James Woodcock, “so Trumps sees no real reason to keep them around.” Other have pointed out Trump’s disappointment that Tiffany’s breasts never grew to match those of her mother, Marla Maples.
While no clear suitors for the two displaced Trump children have come forward, they are confident that they have plenty of options. A spokesman for Eric said that he is “looking forward to continuing his life of luxury with another deranged despot for a Daddy, preferably one that isn’t black.”