Downturn Forces Trump To Downsize Family

Citing the financial strain of the recent economic collapse, President Donald Trump said that he has been forced to lay off two of his children. Son Eric and daughter Tiffany were both informed yesterday of the “family restructuring,” which also saw Trump’s youngest son Barron demoted to nephew.

“Eric and Tiffany have both been wonderful children for decades,” Trump said in a statement, “but in times like these we don’t need a weirder version of Don Jr. or a fatter version of Ivanka. I wish them the best in whatever family they decide to join.” The statement also noted that Trump “looks forward to seeing Barron in a different role, which he may be better suited to.”

The layoffs don’t come as a complete shock to insiders, who have wondered for months about Trump’s dwindling paternal love reserves. “Eric and Tiffany have long passed the point where they can be claimed as dependents, even with Eric’s obvious mental deficiencies,” observed political analyst James Woodcock, “so Trumps sees no real reason to keep them around.” Other have pointed out Trump’s disappointment that Tiffany’s breasts never grew to match those of her mother, Marla Maples.

While no clear suitors for the two displaced Trump children have come forward, they are confident that they have plenty of options. A spokesman for Eric said that he is “looking forward to continuing his life of luxury with another deranged despot for a Daddy, preferably one that isn’t black.”

National Politics

Trump Urges CDC To Step Up Efforts To Blame Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has authorized the CDC to use every resource available to it in the fight to shift blame for the COVID-19 epidemic onto former president Barack Obama. Speaking at a White House press briefing earlier today, Trump stated that he believes that “if everybody comes together and works really hard, we can find a way to pin this all on the black guy.”

As his administration’s response to the pandemic has come under fire, the President has worked diligently to evade responsibility. He has taken to calling COVID-19 the “Chinese Virus” to shift some blame onto the Chinese, but according to sources within the administration, he is hoping that a link to his predecessor can be established as well.

“I think Obama was a big fan of Chinese food,” Trump reportedly said, “maybe we can look into that. And his daughter is at Harvard; I hear that there are a lot of orientals over there.”

Also in the President’s crosshairs is presidential rival and former vice president Joe Biden. With the disease spreading rapidly among Americans and much-needed medical supplies running low, Trump reassured the country that “Sleepy Joe Biden will be held accountable for whatever he did to start this terrible virus, along with Obama.”

Trump’s Republican colleagues in Congress have joined the President’s fight to avoid culpability for the haphazard response to the COVID-19 crisis. In a statement, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that “Senate Republicans stand behind the President in his valiant effort to blame any Democrat possible. We will be providing funding for any conspiracy theorists who can come up with even a semi-plausible link.”

CDC officials have also been ordered to work with their counterparts in Ukraine as they try to determine how all of this is Obama and Biden’s fault. 

National Politics

Surgeon General Redefines “Elderly” To “Older Than Trump”

Trying to allay his boss’ fears about COVID-19, Surgeon General Jerome Adams has announced that the “elderly” label does not apply to 73-year-old President Donald Trump. “From now on,” he said in a statement, “elderly people are defined as people older than President Trump, who is healthier than any human alive right now or ever.”

The President, who is known to prefer fast food and consume as many as 12 cans of Diet Coke day, is, according to the Surgeon General, “in no way elderly or even all that old.” The 45-year-old anesthesiologist then favorably compared Mr. Trump’s health to his own, saying that the overweight 73-year-old who refuses to exercise “could run circles around everybody here.”

While speculation has swirled around the President’s health during an epidemic that has disproportionately affected people in his age group, sources around the President have assured him and the public that he is in no danger. One anonymous administration official notes that “President Trump has the strongest immune system known to man,” which they attributed to “his overwhelming manliness and patriotism.”

Medical staff around the President have routinely praised the septuagenarian for his willingness to avoid all health precautions and recommendations for men his age, including eating better, sleeping more, and avoiding contact with those who may be sick with COVID-19. Instead, they cite his avoidance of Chinese food and aversion to “depleting his battery” through undue exertion as signs that the President is keeping himself healthy.

In a separate statement, the Surgeon General also followed Trump’s orders to define “elderly” in women as “above 35.”

International Politics

Boris Johnson Playfully Bungles Tracheotomy

LONDON – During a visit to Kensington Medical Centre, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson cheerily botched a routine tracheotomy. Johnson mugged for the onlooking press as hacked inartfully at the throat of a patient stricken with COVID-19. The visit was designed to calm Britons’ fears about the epidemic and show solidarity with the nation’s health professionals.

Mr. Johnson had been touring one of the intensive care unit wards when Richard Broadworth, 78, was wheeled in. Mr. Broadworth had been admitted into the hospital two days before and tested positive for COVID-19. As doctors prepared to hook him up to one of the hospital’s few ventilators, Mr. Johnson asked if he could “have a go at it,” to the delight of the assembled crowd. 

Mr. Johnson started by accidentally puncturing the patient’s larynx before slightly nicking his carotid artery. As his hands became increasingly slippery with blood, he managed to drop the scalpel multiple times, but continued to joke with the doctors and nurses on hand. With the patient writhing and gasping for air, Mr. Johnson quipped that “this is harder than it looks” before pointing roguishly at a photograph and saying “you’re next!”

The Prime Minister has cultivated a charmingly oafish persona since the beginning of his public life. From getting stuck on a zipline to knocking over a small child during a friendly game of rugby, Mr. Johnson has endeared himself to the British public with his clumsy exploits.

A Tory spokesperson later confirmed that the patient had died, but added that “the British people are willing to make whatever sacrifice is necessary against this terrible disease.”