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Turkeys Take Over Boston, Ban Stuffing

Capitalizing on the weakened state of its quarantined human inhabitants, turkeys have overthrown the government of Boston and taken over the city. Residents woke up Sunday morning to find Mayor Marty Walsh’s body sitting in a large tub of brine outside City Hall.

“For too long, our brothers and sisters have been served on plates and between slices of bread,” proclaimed Lord Largewattle of Boston, First of His Name, “but no more. Today is the day of liberation, and tomorrow the basters will be the basted!”

Turkeys had been slowly infiltrating the city as people remained home due to the coronavirus outbreak. By the time the military was alerted to the invasion, it was too late. Their base, thought impenetrable by turkeys due to being on the third floor, was overrun late Saturday night. A senior military official, who asked to remain anonymous, confessed that they had made a miscalculation, saying, “we didn’t know that [turkeys] could fly. You always just see them walking around.”

Among the new laws enacted by the new all-turkey City Council is a ban on any kind of stuffing. Bakeries have been instructed to immediately discard old and stale bread, and herbs have been pulled from the shelves. Turkey patrols are now going door to door, confiscating Stove Top boxes and packages of cold cuts.

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National

The Federalist Hires Typhoid Mary As Columnist

The Federalist has announced the hire of Mary Mallon, also known as “Typhoid Mary,” as a columnist. The publication, beloved by edgy right-wing college students and self-styled intellectuals, put out a statement that they are “proud to welcome Ms. Mallon to the staff to share her unique insight on the unfolding so-called ‘epidemic.'”

Mallon is perhaps best known for infecting at least 51 people with typhoid fever, three of whom died. Of the eight families who hired her as a cook, seven were infected, leading doctors to suspect her as an asymptomatic carrier of the disease. Despite knowing this, she continued working as a cook and laundry worker, infecting even more people.

The Federalist has come under fire recently for their suggestion of “controlled infection” to combat the coronavirus. While medical experts dismiss their ideas, inspired by “chickenpox parties,” as “patently idiotic,” Mallon disagrees. “I think it’s important to have as many people catch the disease as possible,” she explained, “because then the ones that survive will have immunity.” When asked about the ones who didn’t survive, she replied, “who cares?”

“That’s the kind of fresh voice that we need,” said Federalist founder Ben Domenech. “While the liberals are concerned with petty things like human life and wellness, we’re focused on what matters: making money and cultivating a smug sense of superiority.”

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National

CBS Adds “Survivor: Ventilator Wars” To Fall Schedule

CBS has added a new twist to its popular reality series Survivor. In the latest edition coming out in the fall, 20 contestants with COVID-19 will compete for a single ventilator. Each week, one will be voted off the “island,” in this case a quarantined intensive care unit. They will also compete in weekly challenges for a variety of luxuries including basic health care and dignity.

“It’s an exciting way to update a classic,” says executive producer Mark Burnett. “A million dollars is one thing, but not dying a horrible, protracted, and easily preventable death is a whole new level of incentive.”

“Survivor: Ventilator Wars” will join other coronavirus-themed game shows on the fall schedule, including ABC’s “Who Wants To Breathe A Little Air?” and FOX’s “The Masked Doctor.”

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Plague Doctors: Leech, Myrrh Reserves Dangerously Low

Plague doctors are sounding the alarm about shortages in critical supplies. As they work to fight the deadly miasma affecting thousands across the globe, plague doctors are increasingly worried that they will not have the resources necessarily to fend off the night air.

“Leeches, myrrh, and laudanum are all in high demand as we balance patients’ humors,” explained Dr. Pestopfer Schnabel von Rom. He cautioned that “the noxious vapors of the marshes cannot be controlled without these valuable substances.”

The unhealthy fog wafting from the Orient has caused a mighty pestilence to descend upon Europe and much of the New World. While alchemists work around the sundial to develop elixirs for this disease, plague doctors use everything at their disposal to keep patients’ humors balanced. Increasingly, they are worried that they may have to switch to less effective solutions like newts and junipers berries.

“The disease seems to be due to an overabundance of blood and yellow bile,” observed Dr. Schnabel. He is one of many plague doctors now pushing for more bloodletting and poultices of chamomile, but worries that there won’t be enough to treat everyone. “Doctors may be forced into some terrible choices, like substituting sage for arsenic in their tinctures,” he warned.

Dr. Schnabel also urged the public to stay away from rotting vegetation and burn any suspected witches in the area. “If we follow some common-sense guidelines and expel all Jews and Gypsies, we should be able to control the spread of this disease.”

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Casey Anthony Finds New Popularity Amid Coronavirus Shutdowns

Parents balancing working from home and watching their out-of-school children are reviewing the case of Casey Anthony with renewed interest. Anthony, who was acquitted in 2011 of the murder of her 2-year-old daughter Caylee, has been living in relative obscurity in Florida since the conclusion of her trial. Now, she is once again one of the top subjects of Google searches in the US.

According to Google Trends, Anthony features in a wide variety of searches that have spiked in popularity since schools were shut down across the country. Queries like “how did Casey Anthony get away with it?” and “Casey Anthony defense team phone number” are seeing a surge in traffic. “How to make chloroform,” one of the searches Anthony famously made leading up to the disappearance of her daughter, has also been trending.

“I think it’s just a really interesting case,” explained Jennifer Belham, a mother of three who has been working from home for a week and half. “When I first read about it, I thought she was such an evil person. But like any story there’s a lot of nuance.” She said that she has read four books about the case in the week and a half that she has been working from home, and has developed a further appreciation for “what Casey went through.” When asked whether her interest in the case stems from experiences with her own kids, she replied, “Kids? What kids? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

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National

Supermarkets See Pangolin Sales Plummet

Once a beloved springtime delicacy, pangolin sales are slumping as the animal is linked to the COVID-19 epidemic. Supermarkets around the country have seen a rapid decline in demand for pangolin meat, leading some to cancel future orders completely.

“We’ve been extremely busy over the past two weeks, but no one is buying any pangolin,” reported Raoul Martinez, who manages a La Fiesta supermarket in San Antonio. “It used to be one of our most popular meats, but now everyone’s just buying chicken and beef.” He went on to say that if sales don’t pick back up, “we might have to do away with the live pangolin tank next to the butcher case.”

There are still some holdouts who continue to eat pangolin despite heightened fears over the epidemic. Irma Thurmond, an 81-year-old retiree in Boca Raton, Florida, said that her mother used to prepare pangolin “the old-fashioned way, boiled in 7-Up” every Thursday night when she grew up. She is keeping up with that tradition, undeterred by the potential hazards.

Pangolin distributor Shauna Wasthof confirmed Thursday that her company has seen sales dwindle, but thinks that the drop will be short-lived. “Every American has fond memories of their first crunch into a pangolin paw, or their first slurp of pangolin tail soup,” she argued. “Once this blows over, I’m confident that we’ll see a rebound in sales.”

For now, though, Wasthof’s company is shifting focus towards the lucrative slug market. “Slug sales have surged as people turn to comfort foods,” she said, pointing to popular dishes such as slugloaf and slug and kidney pie. She and her company are betting big on Americans’ desire for some degree of normality in an ever-changing world. “When the world gets you down, a pangolin parfait or slug salami sandwich is what you need to get back up again.”

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National

Native Americans Push To Make Europe Travel Ban Retroactive

Saying that “countless American lives could be saved,” Native American groups are lobbying President Trump to extend the ban on travel from Europe retroactively to 1491. In a statement put out by an alliance of tribes, they explain that “foreigners have been bringing disease to America for centuries, and it’s time we put an end to it.”

Their proposal comes amid the COVID-19 epidemic that has claimed the lives of hundreds of Americans. Navajo spokesman John Begay notes that European travelers have also been responsible for outbreaks of smallpox, bubonic plague, chickenpox, cholera, the common cold, diphtheria, influenza, malaria, measles, scarlet fever, sexually transmitted diseases, typhoid, typhus, tuberculosis, and pertussis that have killed millions of Native Americans over the years. Begay continued by saying that “Europeans, even those born in America, pose a unique threat to health and safety. We must act swiftly and decisively to save lives.”

While a full plan is still being finalized, Begay said at a press conference yesterday that it would involve not only banning travel from Europe, but also deporting “anyone whose ancestors came from Europe.” Begay pointed to the decimation of American populations in the years after first contact with Europeans, as well as “how annoying white people are in general” to justify the moves.

When asked if the proposed plan would help combat the spread of COVID-19, Begay replied, “huh? Oh yeah, that one. To be honest, they all sound the same after a while. Probably. Can’t hurt to be safe.”

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National Politics

Trump Urges CDC To Step Up Efforts To Blame Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has authorized the CDC to use every resource available to it in the fight to shift blame for the COVID-19 epidemic onto former president Barack Obama. Speaking at a White House press briefing earlier today, Trump stated that he believes that “if everybody comes together and works really hard, we can find a way to pin this all on the black guy.”

As his administration’s response to the pandemic has come under fire, the President has worked diligently to evade responsibility. He has taken to calling COVID-19 the “Chinese Virus” to shift some blame onto the Chinese, but according to sources within the administration, he is hoping that a link to his predecessor can be established as well.

“I think Obama was a big fan of Chinese food,” Trump reportedly said, “maybe we can look into that. And his daughter is at Harvard; I hear that there are a lot of orientals over there.”

Also in the President’s crosshairs is presidential rival and former vice president Joe Biden. With the disease spreading rapidly among Americans and much-needed medical supplies running low, Trump reassured the country that “Sleepy Joe Biden will be held accountable for whatever he did to start this terrible virus, along with Obama.”

Trump’s Republican colleagues in Congress have joined the President’s fight to avoid culpability for the haphazard response to the COVID-19 crisis. In a statement, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that “Senate Republicans stand behind the President in his valiant effort to blame any Democrat possible. We will be providing funding for any conspiracy theorists who can come up with even a semi-plausible link.”

CDC officials have also been ordered to work with their counterparts in Ukraine as they try to determine how all of this is Obama and Biden’s fault. 

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National Politics

Surgeon General Redefines “Elderly” To “Older Than Trump”

Trying to allay his boss’ fears about COVID-19, Surgeon General Jerome Adams has announced that the “elderly” label does not apply to 73-year-old President Donald Trump. “From now on,” he said in a statement, “elderly people are defined as people older than President Trump, who is healthier than any human alive right now or ever.”

The President, who is known to prefer fast food and consume as many as 12 cans of Diet Coke day, is, according to the Surgeon General, “in no way elderly or even all that old.” The 45-year-old anesthesiologist then favorably compared Mr. Trump’s health to his own, saying that the overweight 73-year-old who refuses to exercise “could run circles around everybody here.”

While speculation has swirled around the President’s health during an epidemic that has disproportionately affected people in his age group, sources around the President have assured him and the public that he is in no danger. One anonymous administration official notes that “President Trump has the strongest immune system known to man,” which they attributed to “his overwhelming manliness and patriotism.”

Medical staff around the President have routinely praised the septuagenarian for his willingness to avoid all health precautions and recommendations for men his age, including eating better, sleeping more, and avoiding contact with those who may be sick with COVID-19. Instead, they cite his avoidance of Chinese food and aversion to “depleting his battery” through undue exertion as signs that the President is keeping himself healthy.

In a separate statement, the Surgeon General also followed Trump’s orders to define “elderly” in women as “above 35.”

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Millennial Renters Eagerly Eye Houses Of The Elderly, Infirm

Having long resigned themselves to being renters for life, Millennials are preparing to move into the soon-to-be-vacated houses of the elderly in the wake of the COVID-19 epidemic. The death toll has climbed in recent days, leaving many prime properties unoccupied. Still more are expected to go on the market once their owners have succumbed to the devastating illness, prompting Millennial renters to scope out potential purchases.

Martin James and his fiancée Rachel Dwyer have been visiting nice neighborhoods, looking for signs of illness in the older residents. “We’re just looking for three or four bedrooms, and preferably a nice garden out in front,” Ms. Dwyer explained. “We drove by a nice one yesterday, and the older gentleman who was getting his mail looked like he was coughing.”

Mr. James added that they “obviously don’t want anyone to die,” but seeing as that was an inevitability given the spread of the epidemic, they “want to be prepared.” He has also added news alerts on his phone to notify him of interest rate drops, so that the couple can find the best mortgage rate.

One renter, who asked not to be named, has been asking around his town about the health of older residents. “I just want to make sure I know what might become available,” he said. “I’d given up on the idea of owning a home, but there are some really old people around here that I know aren’t going to make it.” He has compiled a list of over 20 properties that he thinks may be on the market soon, although he concedes that “realistically, only about five or so of them will actually die.”

Others, like 34-year-old Jessica Browne, are looking towards possible inheritances. “My great-aunt has a nice three bedroom, two bath ranch only about 20 minutes out of town,” she said, “and she doesn’t have any kids. We usually visit about once a month, but since the social distancing guidelines came out we’ve upped it to once a week.” 

Realtors have been quick to jump on the trend, with some reaching out to shut-ins to gauge their respiratory health. 

“I haven’t seen Mr. Lavelle around town recently,” said Mary Sullivan of Crowne, Mooney, and Sullivan. “I stopped by his house and he seemed to be wheezing a little. Hopefully he’ll be OK,” she added, “but I called my appraiser just in case.”