Girlfriend’s Hand Lotion Running Out

Your girlfriend’s supply of hand lotion has been quickly diminishing ever since you started working from home. Now, experts are warning that it could run out by the end of next week, prompting uncomfortable questions from your girlfriend.

“This feels really light,” your girlfriend said yesterday as she was getting ready for her shift at the hospital. “I guess my hands have been really dry recently with all the handwashing.” She has also remarked on how well-moisturized your hands have been in the two weeks that you have been stuck at the house, despite your repeated denials of using any lotion yourself.

While you could run to the store to get more, that would mean going back on your continued denials of even knowing what the hand lotion is. As alternatives to the lotion are carefully researched, experts have advised that you carefully ration out how much you use on a daily basis and hope that your girlfriend buys a new bottle herself.


Weird Uncle Now Infectious Disease Expert

Your weird uncle Roger, who recently retired from the Post Office, is now an expert on COVID-19 and infectious diseases. Roger has no formal background in epidemiology, but he has had a deep interest in the subject ever since having too much time on his hands last Wednesday. In recent Facebook posts, he has laid out his detailed views on the virus, how the epidemic started, and what steps should be taken to combat it.

“I have been poring over the numbers,” Roger wrote after spending 20 minutes reading news articles that popped up on his Facebook feed, “and there are a few conclusions I think we can reach.” He went on to state that “we need to listen to the actual scientists, not biased politicians” before quoting a collection of leading bloggers, pundits, and tweeters.

He has taken his new role seriously, and shares his expertise by arguing with people on social media and chain-texting relatives the results of his research. His biggest tip for those worried about the epidemic is to remain calm and listen to experts like himself, since “there are a lot of idiots out there saying stupid shit that they know nothing about.”


Overweight 68-Year-Old Smoker “Not Worried” About COVID-19

Saying that it “only affects unhealthy people,” smoker Robert Jaczinsky remains unworried about COVID-19. The 68-year-old Jaczinsky, who is 60 pounds overweight, said that “this is all just hysteria whipped up by the mainstream media,” and pointed to “a tiny death rate among healthy people like me.”

As he sat catching his breath after walking down the stairs in his home, Jaczinsky opined that “liberals are just trying to take down Trump” by stoking fears of a mass die-off. “The stock market has been doing great, and now all of a sudden they say that we have to stay home? Please.” He notes that the convenience store where he buys his cigarettes has restricted hours, and worries that he soon won’t be able to get enough to support his pack-a-day habit.

Jaczinsky also shared his concerns about a potential shortage of medical supplies if people “panic buy” the diabetes medication he depends on. “First it’s toilet paper, then it’s masks, who knows what else they’ll start telling people to hoard?” He hopes that people will “give up this crazy talk and just get back to life” soon, disregarding most medical professionals’ advice.

When reached for a statement, Jaczinsky’s doctor refused to comment, but did say that he had been trying to get in touch with Jaczinsky regarding the results of a recent chest x-ray.


Hero Who Fought Nazis Willing To Die For Higher S&P Returns

Max Broadbent, a 96-year-old veteran who fought in the Battle of the Bulge against Nazi Germany, said that he is willing to give his life for slightly higher Q2 profits for investors. Speaking from his home at Meadow Brook Assisted Living, Broadbent noted that “some things are just worth dying for, including maximizing value for shareholders.”

Born just before the Great Depression, Broadbent’s family struggled through one of the worst economic crises in American history. At the age of 9, Broadbent joined his father as a migrant laborer, picking fruit in Californian fields. “It really brought things into perspective,” he remembered about those years. “So many industrialists were forced to sell their summer mansions and reduce travel to Europe. It was a terrible, terrible time.”

When the Second World War broke out, he lied about his age in order to enlist and was sent off to fight in Europe. “We didn’t ask questions, we didn’t mope or sulk. We knew that we were fighting one of the greatest evils the world has ever known,” he explained.

Now, he says, the US faces an even bigger threat: a temporary drop in profits for hedge fund managers. And if it means putting his life on the line one more time, he’s “ready, willing, and able.” But don’t call him a hero, he says. “I think any red-blooded American would do the same. Allowing the rich siphon off the capital created by the working class is fundamental to our way of life. If we can’t have that, what else is there to live for?”


Student On Ventilator: Mediocre Spring Break Sex “Totally Worth It”

A local college student who contracted COVID-19 while on spring break in Florida says that the 7 minutes of mediocre sex he had was “totally worth” being on the verge of death. Jackson Harper, 21, spent five days at Panama City Beach, where he and his friends drank, smoked marijuana, and spread the infectious disease to over 80 other people despite warnings from public health officials.

“Me and the boys got lit and snagged some fine females,” Harper said via text from his bed in a specially isolated intensive care unit. “I got talking with the hottest one and before I knew it she was all aboard the J-train to pound town!” While Harper spent most of the sweaty, awkward encounter desperately trying to maintain an erection, he contends that it was enjoyable for him and that he “rocked her.”

Harper dismissed claims that the girl he had sex with wasn’t actually that hot by noting her “nice round ass” and “juicy titties.” Still, one anonymous source reported that she was “kind of fat” and that “J-Dawg had had way too much tequila” when he disappeared into his hotel room with her. “I don’t know, maybe she rode it like a champ,” the source said, “but honestly, I think they were both just way too sloppy to do much.”

Soon after Harper returned home, he started feeling the symptoms of COVID-19, including a persistent cough and shortness of breath. Since he has asthma, Harper was brought to the hospital, where his condition rapidly spiraled downwards. He also infected three of his relatives, including his 85-year-old grandmother. She has also been hospitalized, but has not been able to be put on a ventilator due to a critical shortage.

Still, Harper has no regrets about the trip that could ultimately cost him and his grandmother their lives. “I was riding that shit doggy style,” he says, “even though I was fucking wasted. It was awesome.”


Prepper Wonders When He Can Start Shooting People

A local prepper is now wondering whether it’s OK to start shooting people yet. Dave Bagwell, who has been preparing for a “doomsday scenario” for over 15 years, has been following the developments of the COVID-19 epidemic with great interest. He is hoping that he can start using the 20,000 rounds of ammunition he has stockpiled in his bunker “very soon.”

“I’ve got a few guns, mostly for personal protection,” Bagwell said, motioning to the 39 guns that he has also stored in the bunker, “but I haven’t had to use them so far.” While society is not yet on the brink of collapse, he contends that “it’s just a matter of time before the shit hits the fan.” A nuclear war would have been his preference, he explained, “but an epidemic is pretty sweet, too.”

Being able to shoot a person without consequences is one of Bagwell’s lifelong dreams. Ten years ago, he outfitted his suburban home with an array of cameras and security equipment in the hopes that he might get to shoot an intruder. He has also carried a concealed handgun for over 20 years, but hasn’t been able to use it. “A black guy got really angry at Red Robin one time, and I thought that it might be my chance,” he remembered, “but he left before things could get out of hand.”

Bagwell spends most afternoons practicing his marksmanship on several human-shaped targets in his backyard. In the evening, he pores over the latest news about the epidemic, looking for signs that he can starting shooting people.

“It’s gotten crazy around some grocery stores, but I don’t think that they’ll be the tipping point,” he believes. “Once the government starts clamping down on free movement, then there will be riots. I’ll definitely be able to start shooting then. I really hope so, anyway.”


Local Musician Bemoans Hundreds In Saved Gas Money

On a normal night, Scott Atkinson would be loading up his van with equipment and driving to one of many low-paying gigs. But with the COVID-19 epidemic closing bars and restaurants across the country, he is forced to stay at home, saving hundreds of dollars in gas money.

“This is really going to affect my finances,” Mr. Atkinson explained, detailing the many money-losing trips he takes in an effort to “get [his] music out there.” He routinely drives to engagements up to four hours away from his home, playing for paltry sums in the hopes of “getting noticed.”

Alongside the money he would have spent on gas, Mr. Atkinson will also save money by not paying for parking, drinks at open mics, or for replacement gear after his inevitably gets stolen. “I don’t know what I’m going to do about all this gained income,” he said despondently. “I may have to resort to giving money to charity just to stay afloat.”

Recently, Mr. Atkinson has taken to playing in the street, handing out cash to anyone who stops to listen. With more people working from home, though, he’s having trouble finding any takers. “I only lost $17 yesterday, and I played for three hours,” he complained. “It’s like I’m not even a musician anymore.”


Annoying Coworker Still Thinks Corona Beer Jokes Are Funny

Oblivious to the fact that it’s been old for weeks now, your coworker Gary is still making jokes about Corona beer. The 51-year-old who everyone already socially distances from has been repeating the same tired lines to anyone he can corner.

“I bought a case of Corona since it was on sale, for obvious reasons,” he cracked, leaning in much closer than the recommended six feet to give an unwanted nudge. “Just hope I don’t get sick!”

Anne from the office next door reports that she spent a “horrible” fifteen minutes this morning listening to Gary trot out such groaners as “they had to quarantine the Corona at the liquor store” and “I just hope it doesn’t spread to the Bud Light.” She was finally able to escape when Gary was told he had a call waiting for him at his desk. “It was awful,” she said, “he seems to have completely missed that everyone has already made these same jokes a thousand times.”

While some see working from home as a possible way to avoid Gary’s lame attempts at humour, others aren’t so sure. “He’s been saying that he’ll be having a Corona or two while he’s supposed to be working, and giving this dumb wink” said Glen from accounting. “If anything I think that the social isolation will mean he’ll have fewer outlets for his terrible jokes, meaning that anyone who he talks to on the phone will experience increased levels of cringe.” Others worry that more time on Facebook will give Gary more fodder for his comedic endeavors.

At press time, Gary was heard chuckling over a picture of a Corona bottle with a mask  that he was about to forward to the entire office.