Categories
International

Prince Charles Reportedly Contracted Coronavirus While Still Sick With Flu

Sources close to the Royal Family say that Prince Charles became infected with the coronavirus while he still had the flu. The Prince of Wales’ relationship with the influenza virus was reportedly “rocky,” and he repeatedly came into contact with the coronavirus.

“It was always coronavirus, he knew it in his lungs,” one source said. “It was just a question of whether doctors would accept it. In the end, they knew that they had no choice.” The source went on to say that “Charles is perfect for coronavirus, since he’s in the at-risk group.”

The flu has also been rumored to be carrying on infections with around 60,000 other people in the UK. A spokesperson for the virus declined comment.

Charles has not seen Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip in weeks, with some close to him saying that he is trying to avoid them meeting the coronavirus. According to an anonymous source in Buckingham Palace, when the Queen heard about Charles’ new infection, she smiled slightly and told staff to “get William’s head measured for the crown.”

Categories
International

God Plans More Sequels After Success Of SARS 2

With the resounding success of the CoV-SARS-2 virus, God has announced plans to produce more sequels to past diseases. The virus, which was released late in 2019, has found widespread popularity around the world, resonating especially with older audiences. Now, God hopes that He can strike gold with other dormant franchises.

This isn’t the first successful revival for God. “One of my biggest early hits was the bubonic plague, which spawned a number of highly lucrative sequels,” he said in an interview at his office in Heaven. “I started seeing diminishing returns after the last few plagues, though, and I think I ran it into the ground.” A string of original diseases followed, including chart-toppers cholera, syphilis, and measles. But after the eradication of smallpox and the underwhelming debuts of MERS and Zika, God again decided to try working within an existing franchise.

The original SARS came out in 2002 to worldwide fanfare, but failed to make a splash outside the Chinese market. With over 11,000 deaths at time of press, SARS 2 has already far outstripped its predecessor, and expectations are high in the coming months. Industry analysts are expecting big returns in the African market, where perennial favorites malaria and HIV continue to dominate.

“I tried a few Ebola reboots [in Africa],” God explained, “but they never quite took hold the way I wanted them to.” He’s also looking at other emerging markets, including India and South America, and hoping that the disappointing early returns from Southeast Asia will rebound. Overall, God said that He’s been pleased with his latest release, and is looking forward to some “exciting projects” that will come out in 2021.

Categories
International

Africa Just Glad That This One Isn’t Its Fault

Millions of Africans have breathed a sigh of relief as the latest epidemic ravaging the world does not have it origin on the continent. COVID-19 was first identified in Wuhan, China, which many in Africa are quick to point out is very far away from the area where many other deadly epidemics have sprouted.

“We’ve had some real doozies,” said Jane Aceng, Minister of Health in Uganda. “Ebola, Chikungunya, Zika, HIV, West Nile; it’s been pretty crazy here.” Now, she said, “it’s nice to see some other continents take the heat.”

As US President Donald Trump repeatedly refers to COVID-19 as the “Chinese virus,” Africans are looking at the fact that he hasn’t banned travel from Africa yet as an encouraging sign.

“He’s normally such a racist asshole towards us,” explained Chidi Osinbajo of Lagos, Nigeria. He pointed to the famous “shithole countries” comments Trump made in 2018, widely thought to be directed at African immigrants. “He’s still a racist asshole, but now it’s the Chinese he’s going on about, which is a change.”

Other Africans are excited to be able to hassle white people at the airport for once, as many countries suspend or restrict flights to and from Europe. Morocco has suspended all international flights, leading to many displaced and desperate tourists. As they turn to local governments for assistance, Moroccans are reveling in the change of circumstances.

“We can’t afford to pay for all of these migrants,” Mahmoud El-Fassi of Marrakesh gleefully insisted, “and they can’t expect us to just give them handouts. If they want basic human dignity they’ll have to prove that they’re not riddled with disease.” He tried to remain serious as he laid out his concerns about “unchecked foreigners spreading the virus to citizens,” but giggled with delight as he described the restrictions he would put in. “Something with big barbed wire fences, probably,” he proposed, “and somehow both denying them access to basic sanitation and medical care but also insisting that they are dirty and sick.”

Categories
International Politics

Boris Johnson Playfully Bungles Tracheotomy

LONDON – During a visit to Kensington Medical Centre, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson cheerily botched a routine tracheotomy. Johnson mugged for the onlooking press as hacked inartfully at the throat of a patient stricken with COVID-19. The visit was designed to calm Britons’ fears about the epidemic and show solidarity with the nation’s health professionals.

Mr. Johnson had been touring one of the intensive care unit wards when Richard Broadworth, 78, was wheeled in. Mr. Broadworth had been admitted into the hospital two days before and tested positive for COVID-19. As doctors prepared to hook him up to one of the hospital’s few ventilators, Mr. Johnson asked if he could “have a go at it,” to the delight of the assembled crowd. 

Mr. Johnson started by accidentally puncturing the patient’s larynx before slightly nicking his carotid artery. As his hands became increasingly slippery with blood, he managed to drop the scalpel multiple times, but continued to joke with the doctors and nurses on hand. With the patient writhing and gasping for air, Mr. Johnson quipped that “this is harder than it looks” before pointing roguishly at a photograph and saying “you’re next!”

The Prime Minister has cultivated a charmingly oafish persona since the beginning of his public life. From getting stuck on a zipline to knocking over a small child during a friendly game of rugby, Mr. Johnson has endeared himself to the British public with his clumsy exploits.

A Tory spokesperson later confirmed that the patient had died, but added that “the British people are willing to make whatever sacrifice is necessary against this terrible disease.”