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National

Turkeys Take Over Boston, Ban Stuffing

Capitalizing on the weakened state of its quarantined human inhabitants, turkeys have overthrown the government of Boston and taken over the city. Residents woke up Sunday morning to find Mayor Marty Walsh’s body sitting in a large tub of brine outside City Hall.

“For too long, our brothers and sisters have been served on plates and between slices of bread,” proclaimed Lord Largewattle of Boston, First of His Name, “but no more. Today is the day of liberation, and tomorrow the basters will be the basted!”

Turkeys had been slowly infiltrating the city as people remained home due to the coronavirus outbreak. By the time the military was alerted to the invasion, it was too late. Their base, thought impenetrable by turkeys due to being on the third floor, was overrun late Saturday night. A senior military official, who asked to remain anonymous, confessed that they had made a miscalculation, saying, “we didn’t know that [turkeys] could fly. You always just see them walking around.”

Among the new laws enacted by the new all-turkey City Council is a ban on any kind of stuffing. Bakeries have been instructed to immediately discard old and stale bread, and herbs have been pulled from the shelves. Turkey patrols are now going door to door, confiscating Stove Top boxes and packages of cold cuts.

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Local

Girlfriend’s Hand Lotion Running Out

Your girlfriend’s supply of hand lotion has been quickly diminishing ever since you started working from home. Now, experts are warning that it could run out by the end of next week, prompting uncomfortable questions from your girlfriend.

“This feels really light,” your girlfriend said yesterday as she was getting ready for her shift at the hospital. “I guess my hands have been really dry recently with all the handwashing.” She has also remarked on how well-moisturized your hands have been in the two weeks that you have been stuck at the house, despite your repeated denials of using any lotion yourself.

While you could run to the store to get more, that would mean going back on your continued denials of even knowing what the hand lotion is. As alternatives to the lotion are carefully researched, experts have advised that you carefully ration out how much you use on a daily basis and hope that your girlfriend buys a new bottle herself.

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Local

Weird Uncle Now Infectious Disease Expert

Your weird uncle Roger, who recently retired from the Post Office, is now an expert on COVID-19 and infectious diseases. Roger has no formal background in epidemiology, but he has had a deep interest in the subject ever since having too much time on his hands last Wednesday. In recent Facebook posts, he has laid out his detailed views on the virus, how the epidemic started, and what steps should be taken to combat it.

“I have been poring over the numbers,” Roger wrote after spending 20 minutes reading news articles that popped up on his Facebook feed, “and there are a few conclusions I think we can reach.” He went on to state that “we need to listen to the actual scientists, not biased politicians” before quoting a collection of leading bloggers, pundits, and tweeters.

He has taken his new role seriously, and shares his expertise by arguing with people on social media and chain-texting relatives the results of his research. His biggest tip for those worried about the epidemic is to remain calm and listen to experts like himself, since “there are a lot of idiots out there saying stupid shit that they know nothing about.”

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Sports

Mariners Fans Forced To Rip Their Own Hearts Out

With the Major League Baseball season on hold, millions in the Seattle area have been forced to raise their own expectations before shattering them. For years, Opening Day for the Mariners meant the start of another season of questionable moves and wasted primes. Now, as uncertainty reigns, fans are wondering when their beloved team will be back to ruin their lives again.

“I had to get a friend to punch me in the dick just to feel normal,” said longtime Mariners fan Matt Johnson. “It’s weird not having a crushing defeat or a slow slide into irrelevancy by mid-June to look forward to.” Johnson has also found that his liver is surprisingly healthy, and hopes that he can get back to destroying it soon.

In a statement, the Mariners thanked their fans for their loyalty, and promised that they “look forward to the day that we can resume making you doubt that there really is a God.” In the meantime, they suggested that fans try “breaking up with a significant other, killing a pet, or watching Sonics highlights” to stay despondent before the start of the next season.

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Sports

Bruins Owner Jeremy Jacobs Lays Off Staff To Avoid Not Being An Asshole

Citing a need to “continue being a giant, gaping asshole,” Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs has laid off all full-time staff at the TD Garden. Jacobs said in a statement that “above all, I want to assure Bruins and NHL fans that I am still a total dick.”

Jacobs, who is worth $4 billion, has been a lone hold-out as most major sports owners have pledged to support stadium staff. He initially made a tepid announcement that he would help his staff throughout the suspension of the NHL season, but has also remained firmly committed to weaseling out of coughing up any money that he doesn’t need to.

“I’ve been a douchebag all my life,” said Jacobs, “and as the world adjusts to a new normal I think that it’s important to remain true to my values.” Earlier in the week, he visited an intensive care unit at Mass General Hospital to visit Bruins fans stricken with the virus and disconnect them from their ventilators. He has also announced plans to kick every puppy that he sees, saying that “we can’t let this terrible disease affect how we treat the most vulnerable.”

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National

The Federalist Hires Typhoid Mary As Columnist

The Federalist has announced the hire of Mary Mallon, also known as “Typhoid Mary,” as a columnist. The publication, beloved by edgy right-wing college students and self-styled intellectuals, put out a statement that they are “proud to welcome Ms. Mallon to the staff to share her unique insight on the unfolding so-called ‘epidemic.'”

Mallon is perhaps best known for infecting at least 51 people with typhoid fever, three of whom died. Of the eight families who hired her as a cook, seven were infected, leading doctors to suspect her as an asymptomatic carrier of the disease. Despite knowing this, she continued working as a cook and laundry worker, infecting even more people.

The Federalist has come under fire recently for their suggestion of “controlled infection” to combat the coronavirus. While medical experts dismiss their ideas, inspired by “chickenpox parties,” as “patently idiotic,” Mallon disagrees. “I think it’s important to have as many people catch the disease as possible,” she explained, “because then the ones that survive will have immunity.” When asked about the ones who didn’t survive, she replied, “who cares?”

“That’s the kind of fresh voice that we need,” said Federalist founder Ben Domenech. “While the liberals are concerned with petty things like human life and wellness, we’re focused on what matters: making money and cultivating a smug sense of superiority.”

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Local

Overweight 68-Year-Old Smoker “Not Worried” About COVID-19

Saying that it “only affects unhealthy people,” smoker Robert Jaczinsky remains unworried about COVID-19. The 68-year-old Jaczinsky, who is 60 pounds overweight, said that “this is all just hysteria whipped up by the mainstream media,” and pointed to “a tiny death rate among healthy people like me.”

As he sat catching his breath after walking down the stairs in his home, Jaczinsky opined that “liberals are just trying to take down Trump” by stoking fears of a mass die-off. “The stock market has been doing great, and now all of a sudden they say that we have to stay home? Please.” He notes that the convenience store where he buys his cigarettes has restricted hours, and worries that he soon won’t be able to get enough to support his pack-a-day habit.

Jaczinsky also shared his concerns about a potential shortage of medical supplies if people “panic buy” the diabetes medication he depends on. “First it’s toilet paper, then it’s masks, who knows what else they’ll start telling people to hoard?” He hopes that people will “give up this crazy talk and just get back to life” soon, disregarding most medical professionals’ advice.

When reached for a statement, Jaczinsky’s doctor refused to comment, but did say that he had been trying to get in touch with Jaczinsky regarding the results of a recent chest x-ray.

Categories
International

Prince Charles Reportedly Contracted Coronavirus While Still Sick With Flu

Sources close to the Royal Family say that Prince Charles became infected with the coronavirus while he still had the flu. The Prince of Wales’ relationship with the influenza virus was reportedly “rocky,” and he repeatedly came into contact with the coronavirus.

“It was always coronavirus, he knew it in his lungs,” one source said. “It was just a question of whether doctors would accept it. In the end, they knew that they had no choice.” The source went on to say that “Charles is perfect for coronavirus, since he’s in the at-risk group.”

The flu has also been rumored to be carrying on infections with around 60,000 other people in the UK. A spokesperson for the virus declined comment.

Charles has not seen Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip in weeks, with some close to him saying that he is trying to avoid them meeting the coronavirus. According to an anonymous source in Buckingham Palace, when the Queen heard about Charles’ new infection, she smiled slightly and told staff to “get William’s head measured for the crown.”

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National

CBS Adds “Survivor: Ventilator Wars” To Fall Schedule

CBS has added a new twist to its popular reality series Survivor. In the latest edition coming out in the fall, 20 contestants with COVID-19 will compete for a single ventilator. Each week, one will be voted off the “island,” in this case a quarantined intensive care unit. They will also compete in weekly challenges for a variety of luxuries including basic health care and dignity.

“It’s an exciting way to update a classic,” says executive producer Mark Burnett. “A million dollars is one thing, but not dying a horrible, protracted, and easily preventable death is a whole new level of incentive.”

“Survivor: Ventilator Wars” will join other coronavirus-themed game shows on the fall schedule, including ABC’s “Who Wants To Breathe A Little Air?” and FOX’s “The Masked Doctor.”

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Local

Hero Who Fought Nazis Willing To Die For Higher S&P Returns

Max Broadbent, a 96-year-old veteran who fought in the Battle of the Bulge against Nazi Germany, said that he is willing to give his life for slightly higher Q2 profits for investors. Speaking from his home at Meadow Brook Assisted Living, Broadbent noted that “some things are just worth dying for, including maximizing value for shareholders.”

Born just before the Great Depression, Broadbent’s family struggled through one of the worst economic crises in American history. At the age of 9, Broadbent joined his father as a migrant laborer, picking fruit in Californian fields. “It really brought things into perspective,” he remembered about those years. “So many industrialists were forced to sell their summer mansions and reduce travel to Europe. It was a terrible, terrible time.”

When the Second World War broke out, he lied about his age in order to enlist and was sent off to fight in Europe. “We didn’t ask questions, we didn’t mope or sulk. We knew that we were fighting one of the greatest evils the world has ever known,” he explained.

Now, he says, the US faces an even bigger threat: a temporary drop in profits for hedge fund managers. And if it means putting his life on the line one more time, he’s “ready, willing, and able.” But don’t call him a hero, he says. “I think any red-blooded American would do the same. Allowing the rich siphon off the capital created by the working class is fundamental to our way of life. If we can’t have that, what else is there to live for?”